Sometimes stuff like why am I being like this, why am I being like that, why can’t I be like this, why can’t I be like that, why am I being me, why can’t I be her etc keep playing on my mind.
No, bukan aku tak bersyukur. Aku cuma bertanya. Bukan mempersoalkan. K.
Do you know how it feels when your parents put their expectation too high on you? Do you know how it feels when teachers put their trust on you to win in a certain competition where at that time you can only promise to do your best? Do you know how it feels when friends always thought that you’re better than them and they will be very humble in front of you which makes the atmosphere soooo uncomfortable? Do you know how it feels when people around you are really confident that you’ll get straight A’s in your exam?
Arrrggghhhh. When I think about these things, every steps will always be full of fear. It slowly kills me. I wanna shout, but I know no one will heard me. I wanna say so many things, but I ended up speechless. Tambah-tambah part yang straight A’s tu. I’m afraid that I ………………………….. Ok. Tak nak cakap. Nanti jadi doa pulak.
Honestly, I’ve been through a little difficult time past few weeks until one point where I feel like I couldn’t take it anymore, I feel like it’s better if I die, I feel like I’m the most useless soul on earth, I feel like my presence and absence mean nothing to everyone and I feel like everyone around me hates me. Until one night, when I need some one so badly, no, not to comfort me, not to hear my whole problems, not to show their sympathize, not to cry for me but just to be with me, besides me. And surprisingly, there’s no one.
And aku pun macam manusia lain. Lalai. Bila susah, bila tak ada tempat bergantung, bila sedar yang diri tu lemah, diri tu hina, bila desperate sangat nak kekuatan, ketenangan baru ingat dekat Allah.
But then, I still wanna thank everyone for not caring. Because of you guys, I finally realize that I shouldn’t depend on anyone but Him. There’s no one who will understand me like He do. By talking to Him, by lowering the highest part of my body only for Him, by crying to Him, by leaving everything in His hand, I can feel the most beautiful thing in life. Peacefulness.
Alhamdulillah, I feel much better from that moment until now and I hope it will last. O Allah, please guide my steps.
There’s one more thing that constantly playing on my mind these past few days. Terms like ‘untunglaaaaaahh famous’ , ‘untunglaaaaaaahh banyak peminat’ and stuffs are widely used nowadays. I admit that there were some days where terms like that non-stop dancing on my lips. But when I came back to my sense, I finally realize that there’s no point of being famous. I have no idea why people are seeking for popularity, well, me myself sometimes did that too. And I still can’t get the idea why. Sometimes we’re acting cool or being who we’re not just to impress everyone. But even if everyone is pleased with us, but Allah isn’t, what have we gain? And if Allah is pleased with us, but no one is, what have we lost?
Dear girls, if you think that being surrounded by 40 guys is a life that every girls are hoping for, if you think that when your notifications on facebook or interactions on twitter reach 6287692367 is a perfect life, I’m trully sorry for you. Although I never experience being famous before, I know that when you feel so down, no one could comfort you like Allah do. Trust me.
I think that’s all for now. May peace be upon you, reader(s).
P/S: I’m sorry if I annoyed some of you with my post. I know, most of my blog contents are about the same thing. I keep on repeating the same point in different situations. I’m just trying to express what I feel. It’s your choice to read it, or leave it. And……. my English is very lousy. I’m sorry :’(