appetence

(n.) an eager desire, an instinctive inclination; an attraction or a natural bond

Woah it's been about three months since my last post. But naaah, who's reading it anyway? I did have something on mind. But I thought about compiling those little thoughts. But things didn't always go the way I planned. By times, the thoughts fade away.

I registered University of Malaya about a month ago as a foundation student, taking biological science. I learned new things. I made new friends. I discovered new places. And I withdrew, last week.

I wanted to be a doctor since I was six. I used to believe I'll end up in a white coat one day. People around me for the past 12 years must have been sick listening to my thoughts on how much I wanted to be a doctor, why I wanted to be a doctor, what will I do when I become a doctor. Those reasons, some people claimed it to be so pure and personnel but now I guess it isn't real at all. Maybe I just created the reasons to tell myself the needs to be a doctor and I shouldn't look for something else. Obsessed. I was obsessed. For no particular reason. I was obsessed.

When I was 15, I joined a school trip to an engineering faculty. The students there told me I shouldn't join the trip. For a moment I thought it was so rude, like suka hati orang lah sekolah orang punya trip. Then a brother said, "It's written on your face, you wanted to do medicine."

When I was 17, I asked my chemistry teacher. What if I were to pursue engineering? "You're good. I think you can do well in any course, but your face looks more like a biological science student."

When I am 18, just a few months a ago. I asked my friends, just after I received the call to attend an interview. If I receive the scholarship, should I accept the offer? "Hmm petronas kot, tapi even my mom said, your face looks like a doctor."

Again, when I am 18, I did the medical check up before entering UM. When the radiologist passed me the xray, he said "Here's your xray. Goodluck, doctor."

I was obsessed. So obsessed till it's written on my face. So obsessed till I can't hide it. So obsessed till I ignore the fact that I'm afraid of blood.

I have a friend who once wanted to be a doctor too. We did some deep talks on how are we going to be doctors, where should we study, how will we contribute to the people. I thought we could get along together. Until one day he received an offer from mara to pursue engineering. And he accepted the offer. I was confused and lost. Like how could he got shaken up just by an offer?! Did he gave up this early? What happens to our dreams? All the deep talks, were they lies?

ha ha ha padan muka, kan dah kena kat diri sendiri.

I come to realize. It's not about getting shaken up. It's not about giving up. It's not about burying your dream. It's not about lying. It's about handing in your heart to the right One, and let He decides.

يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِى عَلَى دِينِكَ  --  Oh Turner of Hearts, keep my heart firm on Your Deen

He is capable to do it. To turn your heart to face something better, which you might not know what is it. I did istikharah a few times. A 12 years dream, it didn't fade that easily. The feeling is still strong. But the feeling to let it go, is stronger.

This is Dr. Fatin, signing off!

Ir. Fatin, all the best!